I don’t mean to be a candidate for White Whine with this entry, but I’m in a period of questioning and have to spill it. Believe me, I fully understand that things could be worse, but here goes:
I wonder when my life will not be in flux. Thinking about this, I wonder if at times when my life has met that status quo, if that was the very thing that stifled me. There has to be this happy medium that exists where one can be satisfied without settling. And by settling, I don’t mean becoming somewhat comfortable, I mean giving up a piece of oneself for some other supposed good, a trade-off.
By the time I was 19, I had moved over 20 times. I’m not a military brat, a foster kid nor did my parents travel for work. My mother had issues with landlords, I guess. The packing and unpacking, the alcoholism, the change of people in my life, the later chaos my oldest sister would bring- I wonder if all of this made me somehow unable to adjust to calm. Do I need a fast pace? However, there was always a side of me that wanted to be alone. I wanted peace and quiet.
I always thought that I’d grow up and create the life I wanted. It could have as much excitement and as much calm as I desired, but here I am and I don’t know how to attain that or at least not where I am right now. I followed the recipe for happiness and still haven’t come out with the frosted cake. I got married to a man with a child and got to skip the whole headache-y baby stage, bought a house, got my college degree and for a while there, we were on top of our bills and going on little domestic vacations. I thought I had my combination of thrills and calm. My husband never cared if I wanted to go to Ladies’ Night, but Ladies’ Night in a small town loses its luster after a while. I tried to distract myself with positive things (spirituality, yoga, volunteerism, higher learning), which all ended up being things I love to do, but still the hole remains. In Seven Deadly Sins, I learned about gluttony and lust; two sins in which our Western culture has taught us to not be happy with “enough.”
Am I chasing that elusive “enough?”