Making Peace with Money after a Lifetime in Survival Mode
I’ve had a complicated relationship with money for my entire life. I don’t come from any to begin with, and I don’t mean this in a sort of we-weren’t-rich way; I mean it in a food-stamps-and-repossessed-cars way. I was extremely fortunate to have been sent to a private, Catholic school for nine years by my grandparents, which often only confused me more about the financial ways of the world. My classmates all came from middle to upper class households, with the majority being the latter. “Play dates” involved trips to Miami, boat and Jet Ski rides, and in one case, an epic water gun battle involving 20 kids inside of a mansion…this was like, Neverland Ranch-level shit.
At the time, I couldn’t wrap my head around why my family had gotten the short end of the stick. I certainly didn’t see it as the result of a series of multi-generational choices, some fueled by mental illness and alcoholism. I only thought that some people were assigned a poor lot in life while others were fortunate enough to be wealthy, and that the only way out of our lot was to win the lottery.
(I have to stop and point out that I am not a pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps enthusiast. I recognize that there are systemic and societal reasons why some people simply cannot get ahead, despite their best individual efforts, while others are given huge advantages in the game of life. But some things are in our control, and it’s those lessons that I learned and want to share with you.)
By the time I went off to college I had learned from observation that if you choose the right major, you can drastically alter that financial assignment…but as a first generation college student, I had no idea how to navigate this territory. It seemed that one couldn’t choose a degree track that would bring both happiness and economic freedom. Being both an artistic type and a logical worry wart, I was crippled by the fear that I might make the wrong choice. It took me several schools, many life interruptions and a total ten years to graduate with a Bachelor’s degree.
I paid my way through college with grants, scholarships, loans and a few part-time jobs. I worried constantly about money because I didn’t have any. I just barely covered my bills, and more often than not, I didn’t have a solution for how to pay those bills until the last minute. My roommate would pick up food from the local food pantry for us, then we would get dressed up (in designer dresses found at consignment stores) and go to upscale bars, hoping to land sugar daddies (which would solve all of our problems), but it never happened. The closest I ever got was a date with a famous tennis player who never called me for a second (and all I walked away with was a Strokes CD I’d been wanting, but obviously couldn’t afford).
In my first marriage (to a man who came from a similar background and understanding of money as I had), we kept our finances separate, having brought lots of debt into the marriage and having incurred plenty more in the duration of it. While Suze Orman’s
Thankfully I got back on my feet and, with the exception of that ever-present student loan debt, I cleaned up the financial mess I’d made. I am in a drastically better place than I was a decade ago, but life happens and babies, surgeries, plane tickets, cross-country moves, and home-ownership all take a toll on the budget. If we fixate on money troubles (or any one problem), we just might manifest more of it, but the truth is that some issues are inescapable. There’s no candy-coating the fact that sometimes the bills are due while my bank account is at zero. I can’t wish that away. And while I love the theory behind The Secret
I also fully recognize that a part of my feelings toward money are a product of a survival mindset established in my childhood. Do we have enough? Are we going to be OK? Am I safe? This is the bottom line. We all have to actively work to undo the faulty lessons we, for whatever reason, learned along the way. You’re never too old or too far gone to quit a bad habit, and I actively work to loosen my death grip on my family’s checking account on a regular basis.
I may still be learning how to boost my savings account, but I’ve certainly got my PhD in living frugally. (You learn quickly how to stretch a dollar when you’ve only got one left.) Stay tuned for more articles on spending less, saving more, getting your money’s worth, and making smart investments in a series I’m calling Save vs. Save.
Great work Chel!
Love Aunt Mary
I am one of those people who doesn’t even look at prices when I shop. I need to get better about living frugally and stretching my dollar.
Totally know the struggle of debt. I had a MASSIVE amount for years and years and years, I got out of it. Now I have a little debt, but nothing crazy so I am grateful for that. But – its a really stressful thing.
I grew up in a similar single-parent household but later on in life I realized it wasn’t that we were poor it was that my mom just doesn’t know how to handle her financials. Now that I’m an adult and married myself with children I’d say we do pretty good on saving , spending and with our finances .
I feel I’m always in survival mode too with money. I could understand and be at peace if money was being spent wisely and something tragic happened and all my savings went to that, but I haven’t been spending wisely! This was a great read!
I look forward to hearing more about your journey. I was in a similar situation in college. Even though my parents had degrees, I had a hard time following through with the more challenging degrees that I knew could bring long term financial peace.
I have a complicated relationship with money as well and honestly it is so difficult to save and manage my money effectively. I can learn by your example which shows me that I can alter this state and it does not always have to be like this x
Loving this post – this is something my boyfriend’s dad needs because he’s facing exactly these problems. Might sneakily forward it to him haha x
I feel like you wrote this directly for me. Thank you so much for sharing, I still struggle with this!
I consider myself thifty. These tips are great, really very helpful in keeping both ends meet. Thank you so much for sharing!
thank you for sharing your story. My family is struggling with our debt at the moment. Between having my son, losing my job while pregnant, and the student loan debt it can be overwhelming.
I love this post and well done for writing it. I’m always in survival mood with money – it never stretched over for the whole of the month. I might rob a bank. xx
Are you sure I won’t be getting a 50K in the mail sometime soon? haha. I budget my money to a T but I completely agree with you. Things happen and we aren’t ready for them. In 2016 I went to the ER for chest pains, ended up being a pulled muscles. I was there for 75 min and the bill was 1K. What 25 year old is ready for that? I wasn’t
Story of my life!
I need this in my life. I grew up having enough stuff that I need and would be lucky to have some that I want. After graduating from college and earning my own money, that’s when I started to enjoy life and started not to care about the price of the things I want. Now that I have kids, I need to start living frugally so I will be watching out for more of your posts.
Belle | One Awesome Momma
My husband and I butt heads because he spends his life in survival mode from his life experience before me. I spend my life in “it will be ok mode”. It’s hard and I wish he would make peace with money because he is so far from where he once was!
That fear really sticks with you. My husband helps me to relax about money and I keep his spending in check. Practice makes perfect!
I love this post and I definitely know how you feel to an extent, we had to live paycheck to paycheck for a long time and it throws up a survival mode of sorts for us when it comes to bigger purchases
This is a great post… I lived in survival mode in my 20’s and 30’s, but I am finally seeing a light at the end of the tunnel!
I am the person who always thinks ahead. Let’s just say I learned my lessons the hard way too so now I am careful on my spendings and savings.
I know the feeling. My husband and I have struggled. When I was on unpaid maternity leave my husband got laid off, we had to move in with his parents and we are just getting back on our feet.
I feel your pain!
My parents did a good job helping me understand what debt means and what it does to your credit history, etc. In a way, growing up, I have been quite prudent and only spend within my means. I am lucky that I was akin to being a saver. Hope I can pass this trait to my kid. 🙂
These are great suggestions. My husband and I have polar opposite views on money and it definitely has to do with how we grew up.
This is a great and honest post about dealing with money. I grew up very poor but my mom was always a “eh, it’s just money, we can get what we need” type, and I found that really helpful. I’m in debt now but working my way out of it and even thought things keep coming up, I’m dealing with it. It’s hard not to have a complicated relationship with money. I think everyone does in their own way.
Money has never been my friend either. I know how to manage it, at least I feel I do, but I just don’t have any to manage. That’s tough lol!
I feel like I still haven’t made peace with money. It’s always complicated and I always wish there was more. Maybe I’ll win the lottery one day. 🙂
Your story is amazing. Money can mean so much stress. Unfortunately the facts are that we need money to survive. I have a lot to learn too about budgeting and doing the right things.
Ughhh I really need to get better at saving money and not spending foolishly! I tend to just buy things and hope for the best. Not the smartest idea
This is great sharing your story with all of us. So many people don’t like to tackle to topic of money. Its a lot to think about budgeting, investing, and just plain living. I grew up with a father who would have feasts and famines when it came to money and that has made me worry so much more about making sure bills are paid on time ect. I think more people stress about money than everyone realizes.
We had our hardest financial year last year. We had to live as frugal as humanly possible.
Great read! Thanks for sharing your story with us.
Happy Thursday! Kisses,
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Great testimony!!! Money is such a struggle, no matter where you come from. I came from the lesser side of things, but I see friends who have plenty struggle and argue over it as well. I love your advice in here and especially love hearing the result of the changes you made! Good for you!
Such a great read. Being in debt can be hard and stressful but with hard work and dedication you can definitely fix it. I had very bad credit and am on my way to it being way better 🙂 Making different choices and watching how you spend money helps so much!
This is so true. I believe in the law of attraction and “The secret”. When we are not so desperately hung up on the “want” but believe we’ll get it, we do really get it. Of course not by magic, but by working at it 🙂