Grieving Through the Holidays
If you’re grieving, you might be dreading the upcoming holidays. Here’s what to do to get through them:
1. Take what you want and leave the rest. This is a great approach for most things in life, but when you’re grieving especially, I strongly encourage you to do what makes you feel good and say no to whatever doesn’t. Now is not the time to do things out of obligation. You don’t owe anyone anything. (Correction: You owe yourself space to grieve.) And side note, how do you feel when people do things out of obligation to you and not because they genuinely want to do them? It’s OK to break tradition; it doesn’t mean you’ll break tradition every year from here on out. Maybe you’ll never participate in it ever again, and maybe you’ll pick right back up next year. That’s not important right now. Will people be let down? Sure. Trust me, their day will come and then you can extend them the grace they couldn’t show you.
2. Assemble a support system. The best team is a mix of paid and unpaid, biased and unbiased humans with a variety of talents and abilities. What you need will vary from month to month (sometimes a meal delivery service, a housekeeper, or childcare: do yourself a favor and set your ego aside), but through it all, a good therapist is invaluable. Having a professional on speed dial to sometimes literally talk you off the edge? Priceless. Therapy may be offered through your employer at little to know cost to you, and if not, there are sliding scale options through community mental health services, places of worship, and area universities, so financial concerns are not a great excuse for why you avoid it. Support groups are surprisingly helpful, too. (I avoided this option for a long time, but in reality, the only people who came anywhere near understanding what I was feeling were others who were grieving.) If you have friends and family who were not directly affected by the same loss as you, ask them to be ready this holiday season. My best friend and I have a code word we use. If either one of us gets a text with that word, we drop everything and call the other. Don’t assume the people you love can read your mind and will show up for you automatically. (I know; so much should be obvious to them, but it isn’t. Or, they’re awkward, uncomfortable, and don’t want to do the wrong thing, so they do nothing at all.) Ask for what you need, and gather your team for the unexpected emotional ambushes that will hit you out of no where this season.
3. Connect within and without. It’s important to spend time alone…while being careful not to isolate. Take time by yourself to meditate, pray, spend time in nature, journal (Get a free copy of my grief journal here.), and embrace whatever you’re feeling. Denial and distraction will only deepen and prolong your suffering. That said, it’s important to be around other humans, even if only in passing once a day. Whether you keep conversations short and sweet or need a safe space to vent, reach out to your support system or ask that they check on you regularly. When you can stomach it, go enjoy the festivities, but remember point number one from this article.
4. Take pains to avoid the spiral. You’ll be overwhelmed with emotion despite the best laid plans, but some things can be considered in advance. That person who will rush your grieving, minimize your loss, or say something offensive you just don’t have the bandwidth for right now? Avoid them. Drowning your sorrows alone? Not a great idea. Risky behaviors you’ll regret tomorrow? Think twice. Have an accountabilibuddy ready (someone from point number two of this article). You have enough to deal with right now, without adding to the mess, either emotionally or physically.
5. Hold off on that tattoo…Any and all permanent or drastic decisions should be put on hold for little while. You may feel the urge to do something to memorialize your loved one, or rid yourself of any trace of them, but acting on these extremes rarely goes well. The holidays make us emotional and grief has been proven to change our brain chemistry. You want to make major life decisions when you’re chemically balanced, right? Plan out what it is you want to do, discuss it with a trusted friend, and revisit it in a few months.
6. Consider the kids. It’s important that you do all of the above despite having children because “faking it” for them won’t serve anyone. Having said that, they need some attention now, too. Talk with them ahead of time about everyone’s expectation (yours and theirs), so there are no surprises. Include them in the holiday planning, and help them to express their emotions. They’re likely feeling whatever you’re feeling, but it’s going to come out as misbehavior. You might see some regression on their part (suddenly resorting to behaviors that are typical of much younger children) and to some extent, they have to be allowed that at this time. Pick your battles and enlist in childcare help when possible. It will provide a good mental break for both of you if your kids have another trusted adult they can spend time with.
7. As cheesy as it sounds, remember the reason for the season. If you’re celebrating anything, what are you celebrating exactly and why? I’m not suggesting you take a deep dive into questioning your existing beliefs. I am suggesting you stay focused on whatever the meaning of the day is for you, not what other people think it should be. What can you be grateful for at this time? Can you find any joy at all, even if only for one fleeting moment at a time? Maybe you don’t normally get to see certain friends and family members, or watch particular movies, or drink seasonal coffees….if all else fails, where can you escape to in order to find some joy? Is a tropical vacay in order??
8. Save this number: 800-273-8255 If you’re feeling suicidal, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is confidential and staffed 24/7.
